There is not too much to write about this morning. Last night I felt something was freed in me, i.e. that some wall might have been partially breached. Wouldn't it be funny if that happened and I never knew why. Maybe that is the nature of the heart. I think something happened yesterday that I may have missed on the conscious level.
Things are set up for the next part of the explorations. After living with the hud telling my avatar what to do, the next part is a blank slate. It has no script. In real life it would be life changing. Maybe the only important thing is to understand that.
************************
I just had a conversation with a friend and I just found out I had learned something extremely important yesterday. I learned what it felt like to be rushed through a birth and ignored afterward. My friend referred to it as "assembly line treatment". I could not have learned anything more valuable, I think. It is another helpful step to thinking more "we" rather than "they".
************************
It was such a wonderful feeling to put on a real outfit after wearing nothing but maternity clothes for what semed a long time.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
The Big Day
It is about three hours away right now. I am trying to work in RL and I am strangely anxious. I have been into SL a few times this morning and my avatar seems calmer than me here in RL. She seems to be just patiently waiting and eating which seems to keep the hud from asking if labor has started or whether these are false pains.
******************
It is an hour and a half away and I remain very nervous. A bit of it is worry that something might go wrong and I may not get there or something may go wrong in RL to mess things up. I guess I am grasping at anything I can to worry about. The hud is asking now regularly. In the hud's eyes I am overdue. It comes down to saying "yes" and then it all begins. I practice some lamaze breathing to focus away from the anxiety.
******************
It is about 35 minutes away from my appointed time. The hud has strangely quiet since I came back into SL about a half hour ago. I can't believe it is almost time.
One thing that has surprised me during these brief four weeks is how often I have been alone with only me to experience the pregnancy. I don't know why that should be a surprise. There was a loneliness to the exploration. It is exacerbated this morning since I have checked in so often. My avatar can't do too much in SL to pass the time except sit and wait. The hud keeps mentioning that my avatar can't wait to get back to her original shape. My avatars would like to feel more free to do things too. It is becoming boring. She is anxious to get this started.
******************
It has come and gone. The birth itself seemed strangely anticlimactic. It was very quick and there was not a place to recover and bond with the child. On the other hand it was wonderful to share with my friends. I feel tremendous gratitude for the three friends who were so incredibly supportive.
For me the part of the experience in which I learned the most was the exploration that took place before the birth. It was a time of accepting the fact that my avatar had lost control. There was a clock ticking and her body was changing with every tick. I was surprised about how much time she was alone with the clock, the changes, and doing what the hud told her to do. Toward the end it even seemed a bit as if I were in a cage. I feel a big sense of a relief that it is done. For the record, I should note that I did not tell many people about this exploration, or even the avatar, which may account for the amount of solitude experienced.
*****************
What a quick recovery my avatar has made. It is incredible. After four hours mother and baby were walking through the botanical gardens. If I had to guess right now, I would think that pregnancy is more about accepting and that motherhood is more about the love.
******************
It is an hour and a half away and I remain very nervous. A bit of it is worry that something might go wrong and I may not get there or something may go wrong in RL to mess things up. I guess I am grasping at anything I can to worry about. The hud is asking now regularly. In the hud's eyes I am overdue. It comes down to saying "yes" and then it all begins. I practice some lamaze breathing to focus away from the anxiety.
******************
It is about 35 minutes away from my appointed time. The hud has strangely quiet since I came back into SL about a half hour ago. I can't believe it is almost time.
One thing that has surprised me during these brief four weeks is how often I have been alone with only me to experience the pregnancy. I don't know why that should be a surprise. There was a loneliness to the exploration. It is exacerbated this morning since I have checked in so often. My avatar can't do too much in SL to pass the time except sit and wait. The hud keeps mentioning that my avatar can't wait to get back to her original shape. My avatars would like to feel more free to do things too. It is becoming boring. She is anxious to get this started.
******************
It has come and gone. The birth itself seemed strangely anticlimactic. It was very quick and there was not a place to recover and bond with the child. On the other hand it was wonderful to share with my friends. I feel tremendous gratitude for the three friends who were so incredibly supportive.
For me the part of the experience in which I learned the most was the exploration that took place before the birth. It was a time of accepting the fact that my avatar had lost control. There was a clock ticking and her body was changing with every tick. I was surprised about how much time she was alone with the clock, the changes, and doing what the hud told her to do. Toward the end it even seemed a bit as if I were in a cage. I feel a big sense of a relief that it is done. For the record, I should note that I did not tell many people about this exploration, or even the avatar, which may account for the amount of solitude experienced.
*****************
What a quick recovery my avatar has made. It is incredible. After four hours mother and baby were walking through the botanical gardens. If I had to guess right now, I would think that pregnancy is more about accepting and that motherhood is more about the love.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Waiting
I have really experienced the waiting. On one hand I want this part of the exploration to end. On the other I am anxious about the next step. In the meantime, I wait and wait, counting the hours.
One Day More
It is less than 24 hours until the birth.
The hud began asking whether I am in labor a few hours ago.
I feel heavy with child. For the first time, a bit in real life. It may have helped that I was stayed up last night and I am tired today. One of the things I did was watch more videos of water births. It confirmed my belief that the water method is the way to go tomorrow. One woman gave birth completely by herself. It was only sometime later, while she was holding the newborn baby, that someone came and cut the umbicial cord.
On the other hand, this is a role and I wonder a bit about whether I am up to the events tomorrow. Coincidentally or not, I had an insight first thing this morning about my real self. I will not go into it now because it is blogged elsewhere and these are separate on purpose. But I wonder 1) whether the fact that this role is coming to a head has helped move me elsewhere and 2) is there more to learn from this exploration.
Unlike a real pregnant woman, I can walk away from this with a few IM's. Are the doubts I am having about tomorrow like those of a real woman? One very public, and intrusive, part of the experience is ending while a totally new role is about to begin. Having made the choice, I am being carried along as if I boarded a moving train. The train is about to reach the end of the line and I will be in an unfamiliar place. I will have new duties if I continue the exploration as a new mother. Somehow it does seem possible not to although I did not intend for this to happen when I started.
***********************************
I have neglected to tell how I got pregnant. I have mentioned my support group already. Before planning the length and the date, we checked everyone's schedule. It is summer and people take vacation. The hud allowed for a 4-7 week pregnancy so we had a window. Only the shortest period fit and we found we had to begin on short notice. Since the father-to-be was a close friend and we were concerned with mixing powerful interpersonal relationships into the explorations, we decided on a ceremony to kick off the pregnancy. At the time I was wearing a separate hud for the female fertility cycle. I reset it so i was fertile that day. We needed two ceremonies because it was not possible to gather everyone together at the same time because of tiume zones and work schedules. I wore a bridaal gown and we wrote some vows. I promised to keep the explorations within certain bounds and basically not make a nuissance of myself. The father-to-be promised support for the exploration and our firends also did and said some nice words besides. An alt each of the father and I also attended as did the six-year old child from the earlier exploration to celebrate the beginnnings of her life. During the ceremony I symbolically removed the fertility hud and put on the pregnancy hud which immediately announced I was pregnant. What is significant is the love which passed among all of us who were present. It wwas a powerful beginning. It makes me wonder about tomorrow when we will be gathered again.
**************************************
I am finding the notices about being in labor are having an effect on me. It keeps saying labor can begin at any time. Although I know this is scheduled birth, it brings an immediacy to the forefront. I had a thought about someone I met at lamaze class the other night who has chosen a pregnancy term closer to real life. But it was more a feeling we are all on death row and my turn is coming up soon :). I think of her left alone on the row for a long time to come. Strange thoughts are in my head.
The hud began asking whether I am in labor a few hours ago.
I feel heavy with child. For the first time, a bit in real life. It may have helped that I was stayed up last night and I am tired today. One of the things I did was watch more videos of water births. It confirmed my belief that the water method is the way to go tomorrow. One woman gave birth completely by herself. It was only sometime later, while she was holding the newborn baby, that someone came and cut the umbicial cord.
On the other hand, this is a role and I wonder a bit about whether I am up to the events tomorrow. Coincidentally or not, I had an insight first thing this morning about my real self. I will not go into it now because it is blogged elsewhere and these are separate on purpose. But I wonder 1) whether the fact that this role is coming to a head has helped move me elsewhere and 2) is there more to learn from this exploration.
Unlike a real pregnant woman, I can walk away from this with a few IM's. Are the doubts I am having about tomorrow like those of a real woman? One very public, and intrusive, part of the experience is ending while a totally new role is about to begin. Having made the choice, I am being carried along as if I boarded a moving train. The train is about to reach the end of the line and I will be in an unfamiliar place. I will have new duties if I continue the exploration as a new mother. Somehow it does seem possible not to although I did not intend for this to happen when I started.
***********************************
I have neglected to tell how I got pregnant. I have mentioned my support group already. Before planning the length and the date, we checked everyone's schedule. It is summer and people take vacation. The hud allowed for a 4-7 week pregnancy so we had a window. Only the shortest period fit and we found we had to begin on short notice. Since the father-to-be was a close friend and we were concerned with mixing powerful interpersonal relationships into the explorations, we decided on a ceremony to kick off the pregnancy. At the time I was wearing a separate hud for the female fertility cycle. I reset it so i was fertile that day. We needed two ceremonies because it was not possible to gather everyone together at the same time because of tiume zones and work schedules. I wore a bridaal gown and we wrote some vows. I promised to keep the explorations within certain bounds and basically not make a nuissance of myself. The father-to-be promised support for the exploration and our firends also did and said some nice words besides. An alt each of the father and I also attended as did the six-year old child from the earlier exploration to celebrate the beginnnings of her life. During the ceremony I symbolically removed the fertility hud and put on the pregnancy hud which immediately announced I was pregnant. What is significant is the love which passed among all of us who were present. It wwas a powerful beginning. It makes me wonder about tomorrow when we will be gathered again.
**************************************
I am finding the notices about being in labor are having an effect on me. It keeps saying labor can begin at any time. Although I know this is scheduled birth, it brings an immediacy to the forefront. I had a thought about someone I met at lamaze class the other night who has chosen a pregnancy term closer to real life. But it was more a feeling we are all on death row and my turn is coming up soon :). I think of her left alone on the row for a long time to come. Strange thoughts are in my head.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Two Days More
There are just two days and a few hours left now. So far the exploration has not gone as expected. To some degree this is due to the shortness of the pregnancy. In many ways I have experienced only the first month of a pregnancy rather than the whole thing although my avatar has gotten quite large and there is a dramatic end looming in two days.
Last night I read about the birth process. It is interesting how different the same facts are when one looks at them from a different angle, in this case "me" or "they". It is amazing how a woman's body is built to facilitate something that may happen just once or a few times in her lifetime. The human body is so incredibly well engineered. But then other such function, such as puberty, are a once in a lifetime happening. All the intelligence for these changes are outside what we think of as consciousness. Either one accepts the changes, or does not accept them, in the consciousness. All my experience with this is through the imagination so by necessity, the experience is badly flawed. The best I can do is recognize the difference.
I have not yet written about some very important parts of this exploration. It is a bit late to do so because my memory will be hazy now.
The first issue was that a father was needed. There were a couple of ways to go on this and I asked a number of people including a casual acquaintance and some close friends. I was very fortunate with the person who agreed to share the exploration. He is supportive, thoughtful, caring and understanding. This allowed me to let myself go in a way that otherwise would have been impossible. I also have two other friends who have been very supportive. All three of them will be present at the birth two days from now.
this post left unfinished
Last night I read about the birth process. It is interesting how different the same facts are when one looks at them from a different angle, in this case "me" or "they". It is amazing how a woman's body is built to facilitate something that may happen just once or a few times in her lifetime. The human body is so incredibly well engineered. But then other such function, such as puberty, are a once in a lifetime happening. All the intelligence for these changes are outside what we think of as consciousness. Either one accepts the changes, or does not accept them, in the consciousness. All my experience with this is through the imagination so by necessity, the experience is badly flawed. The best I can do is recognize the difference.
I have not yet written about some very important parts of this exploration. It is a bit late to do so because my memory will be hazy now.
The first issue was that a father was needed. There were a couple of ways to go on this and I asked a number of people including a casual acquaintance and some close friends. I was very fortunate with the person who agreed to share the exploration. He is supportive, thoughtful, caring and understanding. This allowed me to let myself go in a way that otherwise would have been impossible. I also have two other friends who have been very supportive. All three of them will be present at the birth two days from now.
this post left unfinished
Monday, June 22, 2009
Last Week
The birth is now one week away. This morning the hud announced one week and zero hours although the birth will be 5 hours later than the hud realizes. A hud in Second Life is something you can wear either on your body or on your computer screen to control your avatar in some way. The pregnancy hud has a timer. Every ten minutes it tells me something I am feeling or something I should be doing. If it tells me I am hungry there are certain foods that register and tells the hud I have eaten. If I click on my avatar's tummy, I have certain choices too including setting who else can click on my tummy.
Once my four weeks are up next Monday, the hud will begin asking me whether I am in labor every 10 minutes or so for the five hours to my appointment at the clinic. A bit before the scheduled appointment, i will say yes and my waters will break and there will be a virtual puddle on the floor and I will officially start virtual labor.
Yesterday was Father's Day in the United States. As noted in the first post, the child already exists as an alt and so she met the father to be yesterday at a Second Life zoo to celebrate briefly. What was interesting is that the child began to discuss light-heartedly its pre-natal state with the father to be. What was it like in the womb? Those of us who had experienced newborns know they react to things like music positively or negatively for the first months of their life and then eventually lose that connection. The only explanation is pre-natal consciousness.
This child thought it would be a long week as she anticipated spending more time with the father. Also she laughingly told the father that she likes to move as a way of communicating with her mother that she is there.
The mother is doing fine following the directions of the hud which more often call for eating and react to standing, warning of swollen ankles. Lamaze class was cancelled twice and there is just one more chance before birth. This morning she was practicing a pregnancy walk which will be used outside of the normal avatar animation hud.
At the beginning we talked about Love as being one of the primary parts of this exploration. as may be surmised from the above, love is emanating both from the mother and child. Most of it is unspoken. It is a way of looking. Yesterday there was a quote from Nisargardatta that knowing nothingness is wisdom and knowing everything is love. The exploration is opening up knowledge of mother, child and father, in this case the father from the viewpoint of mother and child. Love can't help but follow.
Once my four weeks are up next Monday, the hud will begin asking me whether I am in labor every 10 minutes or so for the five hours to my appointment at the clinic. A bit before the scheduled appointment, i will say yes and my waters will break and there will be a virtual puddle on the floor and I will officially start virtual labor.
Yesterday was Father's Day in the United States. As noted in the first post, the child already exists as an alt and so she met the father to be yesterday at a Second Life zoo to celebrate briefly. What was interesting is that the child began to discuss light-heartedly its pre-natal state with the father to be. What was it like in the womb? Those of us who had experienced newborns know they react to things like music positively or negatively for the first months of their life and then eventually lose that connection. The only explanation is pre-natal consciousness.
This child thought it would be a long week as she anticipated spending more time with the father. Also she laughingly told the father that she likes to move as a way of communicating with her mother that she is there.
The mother is doing fine following the directions of the hud which more often call for eating and react to standing, warning of swollen ankles. Lamaze class was cancelled twice and there is just one more chance before birth. This morning she was practicing a pregnancy walk which will be used outside of the normal avatar animation hud.
At the beginning we talked about Love as being one of the primary parts of this exploration. as may be surmised from the above, love is emanating both from the mother and child. Most of it is unspoken. It is a way of looking. Yesterday there was a quote from Nisargardatta that knowing nothingness is wisdom and knowing everything is love. The exploration is opening up knowledge of mother, child and father, in this case the father from the viewpoint of mother and child. Love can't help but follow.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Beginnings in the Virtual World
I am pregnant right now in Second Life. I should say "my avatar is" because I was looking very lovingly at her this morning and reflecting about what she was undergoing for me. So this morning I was detached. Monday she had her examination at a clinic in Second Life and I was not detached at all. I was her.
I am writing this blog for somewhat selfish reasons because I wish to have a record of this experience. You are welcome to share this experience with me if you find it interesting in any way. We learn things and forget them so soon. I am having very powerful experiences and I wish to make a record of them.
It is a short pregnancy, 4 weeks. Hey anything is possible in Second Life. I got pregnant at a beautiful ceremony with a close friend who graciously agreed to be the father (no virtual sex in this case). I wore a wedding dress and there were inspirational readings. It was announced that I was pregnant and I put on my pregnancy hud and set the date for June 29, 2009. When the hud reaches that day, it will ask me whether if I am in labor. I already have an appointment at the clinic on that day. If you have never been in a virtual world, this will sound a little silly. But the virtual world suspends disbelief. In actuality it was a moving experience.
This exploration is mostly about Love. I have been in a group which practices a form of meditation and have spent a year wandering around in a different avatar learning about myself, discovering identities and attachments that were preventing me from seeing the real me. If that sounds a little like Buddhism, there are similarities. What I have been missing is the ability to let my positive emotions flow; I have been unable to open my heart to people.
Of course this also will be an important learning experience. Already I have begun to understand things I had been insensitive to. I am a male in real life and there is a good bit that was left out of my education. even worse, in some cases my education simply was dead wrong.
How did I get here? It started out a few months ago. My other avatar decided she wanted to be a mother. One evening she went out to shop for clinics, and babies, baby furniture and huds, which when worn, would simulate various scenarios. That experience alone was a powerful one and I felt like I had crossed a line. I worried about taboos. I persisted though and my avatar first bought a baby and began to mother it. She has a very public existence with lots of friends and acquaintances and she did not feel a pregnancy would be a good idea. So the idea for a pregnancy was shelved.
After a few days, I made a child avatar, a daughter so that in time, there would be something for the baby to grow into. This was when things began to spin put of control. The child immediately took on a life of its own. It was not content to sit and wait; she went off seeking adventures on her own. As a mother, I put a positive spin on it and was saying to myself what a clever child it was. Eventually the child got into a bit of trouble. It had an uncomfortable encounter with someone who did not think adults should be playing children in the virtual world. I think the word "perverse' was used. This encounter was a bit shaking and something the child could not handle. During a conversation with a sympathetic friend, recounting the experience, the child suddenly and silently called for its mother. I felt the anguish deeply. I had another computer handy and brought in the mother to Second Life. I could feel her love as she was coming to the aid of her daughter. The child leaped into its mother's arms and I could feel the love pasing between the mother and child. All this was happening within me. I felt very weak and moved after this experience. I still get a little weak thinking about it.
I left it at that for a while. The experience was powerful enough that it helped me see that I had known love like that but I had been suppressing love for some time. Also I was able to see other things were holding me back but not what they were. Eventually I got the idea to make a new avatar to experience the part I had missed, the pregnancy. In my next post I will talk more about the beginnings of the pregnancy.
I am writing this blog for somewhat selfish reasons because I wish to have a record of this experience. You are welcome to share this experience with me if you find it interesting in any way. We learn things and forget them so soon. I am having very powerful experiences and I wish to make a record of them.
It is a short pregnancy, 4 weeks. Hey anything is possible in Second Life. I got pregnant at a beautiful ceremony with a close friend who graciously agreed to be the father (no virtual sex in this case). I wore a wedding dress and there were inspirational readings. It was announced that I was pregnant and I put on my pregnancy hud and set the date for June 29, 2009. When the hud reaches that day, it will ask me whether if I am in labor. I already have an appointment at the clinic on that day. If you have never been in a virtual world, this will sound a little silly. But the virtual world suspends disbelief. In actuality it was a moving experience.
This exploration is mostly about Love. I have been in a group which practices a form of meditation and have spent a year wandering around in a different avatar learning about myself, discovering identities and attachments that were preventing me from seeing the real me. If that sounds a little like Buddhism, there are similarities. What I have been missing is the ability to let my positive emotions flow; I have been unable to open my heart to people.
Of course this also will be an important learning experience. Already I have begun to understand things I had been insensitive to. I am a male in real life and there is a good bit that was left out of my education. even worse, in some cases my education simply was dead wrong.
How did I get here? It started out a few months ago. My other avatar decided she wanted to be a mother. One evening she went out to shop for clinics, and babies, baby furniture and huds, which when worn, would simulate various scenarios. That experience alone was a powerful one and I felt like I had crossed a line. I worried about taboos. I persisted though and my avatar first bought a baby and began to mother it. She has a very public existence with lots of friends and acquaintances and she did not feel a pregnancy would be a good idea. So the idea for a pregnancy was shelved.
After a few days, I made a child avatar, a daughter so that in time, there would be something for the baby to grow into. This was when things began to spin put of control. The child immediately took on a life of its own. It was not content to sit and wait; she went off seeking adventures on her own. As a mother, I put a positive spin on it and was saying to myself what a clever child it was. Eventually the child got into a bit of trouble. It had an uncomfortable encounter with someone who did not think adults should be playing children in the virtual world. I think the word "perverse' was used. This encounter was a bit shaking and something the child could not handle. During a conversation with a sympathetic friend, recounting the experience, the child suddenly and silently called for its mother. I felt the anguish deeply. I had another computer handy and brought in the mother to Second Life. I could feel her love as she was coming to the aid of her daughter. The child leaped into its mother's arms and I could feel the love pasing between the mother and child. All this was happening within me. I felt very weak and moved after this experience. I still get a little weak thinking about it.
I left it at that for a while. The experience was powerful enough that it helped me see that I had known love like that but I had been suppressing love for some time. Also I was able to see other things were holding me back but not what they were. Eventually I got the idea to make a new avatar to experience the part I had missed, the pregnancy. In my next post I will talk more about the beginnings of the pregnancy.
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